The Unplanned Plans
The unplanned plans.
We all have the plans in our life that we plan on doing, but just haven’t gotten around to yet; that mountain bike ride, that holiday to the Islands. Timing just hasn’t quite allowed or you haven’t fully committed to the idea yet. For us, it was another baby. Fate intervened and we had a happy mishap.
Having done some maths (and tests) after having breathing issues running Mt Somers half marathon, I realised this was history repeating itself with pregnancy asthma. I have two coping mechanisms that I have learnt to lean on in a crisis; Yoga and running. I have been doing a lot of both in the last 8 days, since learning baby was not going to be a part of our lives forever.
I wasn’t prepared for the most emotional turmoil I have ever endured. To be pregnant with no heartbeat. To have to be in ‘No Man’s land’. No letting go and moving forward, no hanging on and hoping to go back. Just a limbo. I headed to the beach to hide and grieve until it was too dark to be there anymore. I went in the ocean, I did 2 hours of Yoga, howling my way through every Downward facing Dog. Meditating with no answers, which I know as a teacher only happens when you ask yourself questions and expect answers. Nothing lands in your lap if you expect it to.
The day after this day of grief, when I had let go emotionally, my body followed suit. One Downward facing Dog, then release. And I was thankful for that.
When I used to practise Bikram Yoga, I attended every day for one month. It’s what got me hooked on Hot Yoga. The same 26 poses, twice, every single practise. And everyday I would show up in practise dreading a particular pose from the day before that had been in that ‘too hard’ basket. That felt like it lasted for 2 minutes longer than any other posture, and every muscle fibre wasn’t supposed to be where it was. And every day I was wrong. It was a different pose that would catch me totally unawares, and become the one to dread for tomorrows practise.
Those who practise Yoga regularly and authentically know every pose has an ability to be that pose that feels like you’ve been through open heart surgery. And roughly 20 days into my Bikram Yoga experience I had a meltdown in class. It was a private meltdown, and thankfully my sweat was flowing freely literally everywhere on my body, the tears just blended in too. But it was also a moment of true clarity. I understood answers that I never had been able to find in myself before. I still reflect on this moment regularly, and it was over 7 years ago!
During a home practise in this last week, I was feeling more balanced and ready for my usual Vinyasa flow. Being in the business of Yoga, pictures on Instagram are sometimes a small but necessary burden, so I prepared my forearm stand, and moved through 3 heart openers afterwards to help release tension. And I cracked open again. Less answers this time, but more tears and frustration and disbelief at what had happened to the tiny life I was nurturing. Afterwards, I sat with myself for a long time, then laced up and ran under just the Moon. I don’t think I breathed for the first kilometre. I questioned, as I ran, what happens to people with these emotions left inside them? With no ‘Crisis modes’ to turn to and those who don’t practise Yoga? I still don’t know, but I thank my practise daily for the ability to ground me and release what no longer serves me.
I am still on this healing journey, with a lot of other women in this Motherhood life have also been on. It is a dark place at times, that’s for sure. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. It always takes at least one of the salt waters to heal us; Tears, sweat and the sea. Do what you need to let yourself heal.
Hari Aum Tat Sat