Metaphysics

I wouldn’t know where to begin to explain the last few months of life.  There has been enormous change, and growth, and so many side steps on a path that I wasn’t sure was even mine.

But, I’ve ended back up where I belong- back at not even worrying which direction I’m pointed in.

I needed something to inspire me to finish this next blog, and if last week wasn’t it, then I’m beyond motivating! I’ve had a health scare- nothing too serious, but enough to make me drop everything and re-prioritise. I’ve also had my first (and hopefully my last) business burn, where my trust has suffered the price. Did the two of them go hand-in- hand? They sure did.

Without the explicit nature of what occurred, a client has effectively taken something from me, and the identity I’ve created. And I saw rage. Pure, unadulterated rage. And then? Then, I didn’t see. I temporarily lost my vision. It was petrifying. I was totally disorientated. It started as almost like a heatwave happening through the lens of my eyes, then got blurry to the stage I couldn’t have counted the fingers on my hands.

The oddest part of all these crazy sensations was; I thought I was ‘fine.’ I wasn’t feeling particularly angry, or sad anymore. I was just trying to be ‘normal’ when this all occurred. Within half an hour, and a medical check up (revealing there as nothing physically wrong with me), I was feeling much better. My guessing was this sudden realisation of health and the implications didn’t leave any space for the stresses beyond my immediate attention. For a while, my body became the only thing that mattered.

I have never, ever had such a strong physical reaction to emotions. To be literally blindsided by an emotion that I suppressed. There the proof was to the strong links to how our bodies store emotion. And I still am blown away; by myself losing sight of the bigger picture, I actually physically lost sight of any picture.

At the start of the month we celebrated our beautiful girl’s birthday. Such a happy, proud day. The next day was the Due date of the baby we lost. This was so much harder than I ever could have imagined, and to go on this huge wave of seesawing emotions was really, really tough. I didn’t know how to approach it. I wasn’t aware of how much it still hurt. I still remember several meditations, coming back to myself and suddenly knowing that my face was soaked with tears. It hurt. It still hurts. But it doesn’t hurt as much anymore. And there’s a release every time I revisit it.

Because it needs to be released. We deserve to let ourselves go there, and be in pain. Acknowledge it.

Or, suppress it. Let it sit in your heart. But, don’t start to question yourselves when you feel a physical tightness clawing at your chest when you’re ‘fine.’ Know the implications of heart trauma, or the anger you’ve been holding onto in your hips, or the pain through your ribcage from not being able to forgive. Tension in your throat relays to not being able to express ourselves, pain in the feet; the fear of moving forward to the future. Everything is inter-connected in such an intrinsic way, but I feel quite strongly that we have forgotten this language with ourselves.

Maybe the marketing big dogs do such a good job at making us believe that we just need that pill. Or our Doctors feel so strongly that the only safe place to give birth is to be surrounded by all those strangers in their scrubs, rather than letting your body be primal and knowing, and saving the medical interventions for those who truly need it.

We have forgotten some of our ‘human’ qualities. Feeling, connecting to ourselves, being emotional. Taking that physical journey through ourselves- moving out of the way your work designs you to sit, your car to drive, your sofa to slouch in. Be free in your bodies and open your emotional hearts.

Hari Aum Tat Sat